When Hell Freezes Over
by Sabrina the Teen Witch
Summary: After Armageddon God has decided that it might be in everyone’s best interest to do away with hell and appoints Aziraphale as leading man in the operation. It is now up to Aziraphale and Crowley to stop god from destroying hell.


A dark figure stood under a streetlight casually smoking a cigarette. His eyes were hidden behind sunglasses even though it was pitch black out. He wore a long leather jacket, leather pants, and snakeskin boots.

"What could possibly be taking him this long?" he uttered as he tossed his cigarette aside. He had been planning to meet with an old friend. The two had known each other since the beginning of time, literally, and it wasn't like Aziraphale to be late. In fact, it was usually Crowley who showed up about twenty minutes late whenever they met every 300 years or so. Although they never really got along they were forced to work together due to there 'jobs' and had grown to like each other.

"What the bloody hell happened to you?" said Crowley as Aziraphale waltzed up looking somewhat shaken.

"Oh…um…nothing, sorry I'm late,"

"Right?" said Crowley as he lifted an eyebrow, "well shall we set out and find a restaurant?"

"Yes I suppose, where would you like to go?"

"Doesn't matter you're paying," Crowley said as he began to lead the way to his 1926 black Bentley. They got to the car and Crowley jumped through the window and into the driver's seat while Aziraphale walked to the passenger's side, opened the door, and gracefully slid into his seat.

"I still can not believe that you insist on driving this ozone hazard,"

Crowley rolled his eyes, "I can't believe you don't!" he said revved the engine and then tore out of the parking lot they had been standing in.

"I miss the ducks. Why didn't we meet at the park as per usual?" asked Aziraphale holding onto his hat since Crowley had left the window open.

"I had to stop and get cigarettes,"

"Honestly don't you return anything good to this planet or do you just insist on dumping your waste here?" Aziraphale asked Crowley as he held tightly to the dash.

"If I could breathe I would willingly contribute Carbon dioxide to the trees and such, but seeing as I can't," he said as he made a sharp turn, nearly running a mini van off the road, "there's not much else I'm willing to do,"

"Oh my! If you're going to drive this monstrosity do it properly!" Aziraphale said impatiently. "Oh pull in here this looks like a decent place," Crowley made another sharp turn and pulled into the restaurant's parking lot. "Oh dear," Aziraphale shot Crowley a dark look, or as dark a look as an angel can give. However, Crowley ignored him shoved his keys in his pocket and slid out through his window. They walked up to the restaurant an elegant place named _Il Cibo Degli Angeli_ and Aziraphale held the door open for Crowley.

"Is a courteous 'thank you' to much to ask?" Aziraphale stammered in disbelief. In response Crowley just tilted down his glasses and gave Aziraphale a glare that said 'do I really have to answer that?' and walked up to the hostess and asked for a table for two.

When they were seated, they order a bottle of wine as was tradition and waited until it came before they got down to business.

"So Aziraphale, why is it that you ordered this little get together?" asked Crowley as he poured Aziraphale and himself a glass of wine. "and don't tell me you've decided to come over to the dark side because if that's the case I am unfalling and getting back to heaven despite how disgustingly perfect it is," Crowley finished as he took a sip of wine, "Ugh, this is bloody awful!," he said as he put his wine glass back down on the table.

"No, no, you know that's not it. Look I am going to be in serious trouble for this, and you better not take this lightly because I am risking my wings for you!"

"What is it already?" said Crowley as he inspected the wine bottle.

"Well you know how heaven and, and…" Aziraphale trailed off

"HELL!"

"- yes well you know how they've been using the earth as a sort of chess board for our fights? Fights between heaven and hell I mean?"

"Yeah, so what's your point?"

"Well the big guy, you know who I'm talking about right?"

"Aziraphale I may not be an angel anymore, but that doesn't mean that my intelligence has decreased to that of an infant, now what about him?"

"Well _he_'s decided that... well that _he_'s getting fed up with how…hell…has been handling its ordeals, you know with Armageddon and all that, and _he_ feels that it would be better if your division, hell I mean, is um cut," he finished nervously and then took a long swig of wine. At this Crowley went paler then usual, if that was possible.

"What are you saying Aziraphale?" he asked forcefully but you could here his voice crack slightly.

"What I'm saying is that _he _has decided that hell is going to be destroyed," Aziraphale finished with a nervous laugh, "bottoms up," and he took another sip of wine. Crowley just sat there in shock staring off into space.

"That's not possible," he said to himself finally finding his voice.

"Actually it is. In fact he has this whole attack set up. Really quite genius actually, and he has actually asked me to be one of the main leaders in his plan, quite exciting actually,"

"Well woopdy-doo for you! So what you've decided to come and exterminate me now?" yelled Crowley, which caused a couple heads in the restaurant to turn and see what the commotion was.

"No, no, no not at all, well while I am quite flattered that I've been chosen as one of the leaders in _his_ plan, I just can't help feeling that it's well wrong," he said with a weak smile and then drank the last drop in his glass.

"Well, thanks for the warning, but warning me is not going to stop hell from freezing over. In fact, it will probably just encourage me to buy a bottle of vodka and sit in the street so I can watch people try to avoid running me over," Crowley finished miserably and he downed his entire glass of wine in one sip.

"Actually I was hoping we could, well I was hoping that maybe you might be willing to help me come up with a way to stop it," Aziraphale said as he looked at his long time friend who he'd met in the Garden of Eden.

"You're joking right?" said Crowley as he poured himself another bottle of wine.

"No," said Azipheral matter of factly.

"So you're saying that you want us, two misfits, to stop hell from freezing over?

"Yes"

"How?" asked Crowley quizzically, "because you know I'm not exactly the thinking type,"

"I don't know yet but I thought we might be able to borrow Angus Nutter's book of prophecies and see if it says anything about us trying to stop hell from-,"

"I thought it was destroyed"

"Ah but you know how the bible has an old testament and a new testament?"

"No I really don't but continue."

"Well there's a book before Jesus' and one after."

"So you think there's a pre apocalypse book and a post one?"

"I'm almost positive! Anathema has it and doesn't know it because of the whole apocalypse thing, so as I was saying I think we should borrow Angus Nutter's book of prophecies and see if it says anything about us trying to stop hell from-,"

"No!"

"Why not? It might prove to be very helpful, it might even tell us exactly how to stop-"

"Or it might tell us that two idiots thought they could stop _him _from carrying out one of his master plans and got themselves exterminated in the process, and let me tell you if I'm going to die doing this I won't want to know about it first,"

"Right well I still think we should-"

"No! Look if we're supposed to stop this from happening then we will, and if not then well I'd rather not know what's going to happen, all right?"

"Will you listen? I was going to say, I still think we should look in Angus Nutter's book of prophecies and see what _his_ plan is that way we can maybe think of a way to stop it,"

"I guess…" Crowley responded hopelessly, "…well shall we?" he asked as he pulled out his car keys.

"Yes let me just get the check. Um waiter would you be so kind as to bring us the bill," said Aziraphale to the waiter that had just walked past the table.

"Certainly sirs," replied the waiter who then left to get their bill.

"Well do you know where dear Angus lives?" asked Crowley getting back on topic.

"Yes. Hey what are you doing?" replied Aziraphale as he saw Crowley slipping the wine bottle they had not finished into his leather trench.

"We paid for it didn't we?" said Crowley as he tucked the bottle into a deep pocket on the inside of his duster.

When the bill arrived Aziraphale paid, like he had the past five centuries, and then they went back to the car.

"Shall I drive?" asked Aziraphale as they were about to get in the car. Once again, Crowley just tipped his glasses down and shot Azipheral a look that said, _do I even have to answer? _

"Oh, alright but you better take my directions then," replied Aziraphale, and with that they both got into the car.

The drive took about 2 hours and was made longer by the constant bickering between the two.

"It was a right, back there," said Aziraphale as he pointed back at the street they had just passed.

"You've got to be f-," said Crowley but his voice was cut off as he pulled the car around right in the middle of the road to go back to the street they had just passed.

"You do know that's illegal don't you?" asked Aziraphale as he held tight to the dash.

"Of course, that's what makes it so much fun!" said Crowley as he pulled onto the street they had just past.

"Oh my the house looks charming!" replied Aziraphale as they pulled up in front of the house, "Do u remember when we last saw it? Oh I can't wait to see Newton and Anathema, oh and I hear they have a kid now!"

"I hate to rain on your parade… who am I kidding? I love to, but we haven't seen them in twenty years or so…" Crowley trailed off as they pulled into the driveway.

"oh right nearly forgot oh wouldn't that have been awkward?" However Crowley hadn't been listening in fact he had walked up to the front porch and was staring at a hanging basket full of petunias. Aziraphale ran to his side and looked at him.

"Crowley what is it?" he asked noticing the somewhat concerned look on Crowley's face.

"I forgot to water my house plants," he said and then noticed the smile that spread across Aziraphale's face.

"You have house plants?" Aziraphale asked looking surprised. Crowley rapped hard on the door.

"Uh…" he said as he continued knocking, "Oh look Newton how have you been? Good? Great! You don't mind if we just come in for a second," and he pushed his way into the house.

"Um who are you?" asked Newton who looked quite a bit wiser now

"I am terribly sorry for the intrusion," Aziraphale said shooting Crowley an evil glare (as evil a glare as an angel can give) "I don't know if you'll remember us, but I was actually wondering if I could talk to Anathema about a certain book. Is she here?"

"Oh of course," replied Newton skeptically with a raised eyebrow, 'why don't you take a seat and I'll go get her" he said and left the room. Aziraphale sat down on the sofa while Crowley inspected the house.

"Who the hell are you?" came a voice from behind the sofa. Both Crowley and Aziraphale turned to look.

"I beg your pardon?" said Aziraphale completely thrown by the question and the appearance of the person standing in front of him. The boy was about 16 had died black hair that was spiked and wore all black clothes.

"Who- the- hell- are- you?" he said again this time pausing between each word to ensure they would understand.

"I like this kid!" said Crowley as he put down a picture he had been looking at and walked over to the kid. "What's your name?"

"I asked you first," replied the kid and he leaned against the wall he was standing next to.

"Fine, I'm Crowley, this is Aziraphale, now what's your name?"

"Zack, why the hell do you care?"

"Oh my must you use such language?" asked Aziraphale practically covering his ears.

"Hey, BITE ME!" said Zack and left the room. Aziraphale sat stunned while Crowley stood there smiling.

"It amazes me that two polite people such as Anathema and Newton could raise such an ill mannered child," said Aziraphale

"Yeah and you said hell isn't doing its job," said Crowley sarcastically as he sat down on a nearby chair. Aziraphale was about to respond however he was interrupted when Anathema walked in.

"Hello Anathema! You look wonderful," replied Aziraphale as he stood up and stretched out his hand so that she could shake it.

"Oh hello… Do I know you?" she asked as she shook Aziraphale's hand.

"Um we met quite a while ago, I can't believe you don't remember, oh well it's understandable, I was just wondering if maybe you would let me borrow your great grandmothers book of prophecies I know the original first edition was destroyed but I do believe there was a… sequel if you will,"

"I suppose I could look … wait it couldn't be you, that was almost twenty years ago but I think I know who you are! You nearly ran me over one night and then you gave me a ride home!"

"Oh yes that, well could you please it would be oh so helpful,"

"Get out!"

"Oh…right well thank you for your hospitality we'll just be going now," replied Aziraphale and with that he got up and headed outside. Crowley followed. "Lovely house by the way," he said and closed the door behind him. "Well that was completely useless we had to take a 2 hour car ride out here to get nowhere! Now what are we supposed to do?" asked Aziraphale somewhat frustrated.

"Relax," said Crowley as he hopped into the car.

"How am I suppose to relax? I was certain she would be happy to find that there might be another book and let us poke around to see if we could help find it, and you know as wall as I do that the immortal are the best at finding stuff, but now…" Aziraphale trailed off and stared at Crowley in amazement, who was waving a large tattered book in his hand, "But… you… how?" stammered Aziraphale in disbelief as he went to grab the book from Crowley, who pulled it away.

"These trench pockets are good for more then just smuggling wine," said Crowley and he pulled out of the driveway.

"Oh I don't believe you!"

"Admit it; you know you're somewhat impressed."

"No just… astounded. Now can I please have the book?"

"Alright, alright, look just don't tell me if you see anything unpleasant in there." Replied Crowley as he turned down a side street. However, Aziraphale had grabbed the book from Crowley and was no longer listening.

"Let's see, let's see, there are some highlights from the post apocalypse, let's see… 1800's no that's not it… 1930's great depression, your doings no doubt…1970's"

"Don't remind me!"

"Ah here we are… hmm…"

"What _hmmmmm_? Is that a good _hmm_ or a bad _hmm_?"

"An ironic _hmm_, look here see what it says."

"Aziraphale I may not be completely responsible but I am driving remember?"

"Oh right! Well it says here the Young Adam may help the evils be rid from existence"

"How is that ironic? And what do they mean may I thought this was the nice and _accurate_ prophecies of Angus Nutter not the cryptic and vague."

Ignoring the last of what Crowley had said Aziraphale decided that this information did not pertain directly to Crowley so he decided it would be okay to explain. "It's ironic because the young Adam I think they're referring to is actually our Adam Young."

"WHAT!" Crowley screamed as he narrowly escaped an eighteen-wheeler, which he had started to veer toward.

"What's even more ironic is the fact that the thing hell put on earth to destroy it is the very same thing _he_ is using to destroy hell. Funny old world isn't it?"

"Aziraphale you- (What Crowley said next cam out as sort of a low hiss, it was something an angel should never hear, a human would never think, and something only a demon could say so I'll just leave that up to your imagination.)

"Look… I'm sorry. There you happy?" Crowley said after a silence that had lasted three hours. During which time Crowley had kept driving simply because he didn't know what else to do, and because it was a good way of relieving stress by almost driving other cars off the rode. "I'm just stressed ok!"

"Yes I'm aware, we both are, but using such obscene language isn't going to help!" said Aziraphale, who was shocked Crowley had actually apologized, even if it had taken him three hours. "Did your department keep tabs on Adam's whereabouts after the whole…incident?"

"I don't think so. What about yours?"

"Yes, I think we did. I have to report back there tonight anyway so I'll look him up."

"What!? When the hell did you plan on telling me this? How long are you gonna be gone?

"Relax, I don't think ill be gone very long. Now could you possibly drop me off I am to be picked up at twelve o' clock and it's eleven fifty-eight." Crowley slowed to a halt and then pulled the key out of the ignition.

"Go."

"I'm so sorry old friend, but I'm quite positive we'll figure this out. We always do."

"Yeah…" Crowley said without looking at Aziraphale. With that, Aziraphale got out of the car. The two had been driving along a deserted high way so Aziraphale spread his wings and within seconds was absorbed in ray of light.

Even though Crowley had no clue where he was it only took him five minutes to find what he wanted. A bar.


End file.
